


I

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, No Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-29
Updated: 2005-06-29
Packaged: 2018-12-27 11:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: 507 Fic Justin's thoughts during and after Brian's drunken visit.





	I

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I didn’t need to hear the pain filled drunken screams coming from downstairs. I have an image to uphold. I have my self to uphold . . . hold together, whatever. I didn’t need to hear that it’s killing him, hear the ache tearing up his words. I just really don’t need to know that saving my pride, saving my feelings, broke all of what he had left.

I didn’t want to hear his best friend tear him apart. To rip the tense seams of the near 20 year relationship that’s unraveling. The end of Michael and Brian would kill me nearly as much as the end of Justin and Brian. I don’t want this to be happening. I don’t want this. I don’t want to think that now he has to go to the loft alone . . . or with someone . . . same thing in the end, and lay there with the affirmation, even though it isn’t true, that he isn’t loved. That loving someone will cause nothing but pain for everyone involved. I wanted what was good for me, and just crushed the last part of humanity living deep in him. I didn’t want that. I really, just, didn’t want that.

I want to be happily fucking ever after with Brian. I fucking need it so bad . . . it hurts. It has hurt since I got home. Since I’ve been seeing Michael and Ben . . . feeling the loss of Melanie and Lindsay. I want something steady so badly. I want to know that he isn’t going to give me something. I want to know I won’t do the same. I want confirmation . . . in words, and I don’t care if that’s selfish. I want him to tell me as much as he shows me. I want to know positively that he loves me as much as I love him. And I do love him. I love him with every fucking fiber I have . . . even as I lay here in Michael and Ben’s guest bedroom on this hard lonely bed, and I’m afraid that I’m always going to. No matter where I move. No matter what I do. He’s embossed into my heart. I want happily ever after with the lunatic downstairs that loves me so much, and doesn’t even know it.

I think I’m destined to forever love a man whose emotions were so toyed with as a child he’s never going to do or say anything normally as long as he lives.

I hope that he can at least love me because I know I’m so tired of crying alone in the dark to make sure no one knows I’m hurting out in the company of light.


End file.
